Wednesday, June 11, 2014

I Don't Know Who You Are. I Don't Know What You Want...I Will Find You. And I Will Kill You.



(If you're reading this from e-mail click through to watch the video. It makes this post!)

Above is the sign I'm going to post all over my neighborhood. I know daughter-kidnapping and bike-theft have nothing in common but my roomie and I cracked up over the hyperbole. Yep, some jack-ass swiftly walked into my apartment while I was in a rush-loading my car with vintage merchandise for my Revolve sale this Sunday and stole my bike in broad daylight. I even had a friend with me! Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, the thieves are out. I'd keep my bike inside and locked up, if I were you!

(Play this video above for dramatic affect as you read my bike eulogy - click through to the blog to read this post if you're reading via e-mail.)

And now a goodbye to my bike which I am more than likely never going to see again. I truly adored that bicycle. It was my first "nice" bike and she rode oh so smooth. We have gone on strange adventures, she and I. With bike gangs through the woods in the night (yep), through our Great Nation's oldest city, and around my beautiful historic neighborhood. She has watched me collapse from heat stroke a couple of times, never taunting, always supportive instead. She was my rock. She was a sexy beast. I mean look at that picture above. She looks like everything a bike should be. Retro-style but not overly-so. Just the right amount of vintage and utilitarian. Almost looks like a cruiser but she was a light, fast, roadster, perfect for the vintage deliveries I frequently make. Her spacious seat was perfect for my ample Puerto Rican behind.


(From a couple years back when I used to go on biking adventures with Hipsters  fellow-bike-enthusiasts. Yeah. That's how Schwinn Cream and I ROLL. We got it like that. Did I say ROLL? I mean ROLLED... Excuse me, I.. I.... *sobb*)

I will never be able to look into your eyes or feel the touch of you underneath me, nor feel the wind blowing through our hairs. All I have now is your memory.


Your ghost lingers in my home and in my heart.

(If you're reading this post via e-mail, click through to see the video)

Ain't no Sunshine When Bike is Gone, Sing it, Michael! And some more sad songs for Bike: Baby Come Back and We Belong Together. And some Lately by the Angel-voiced Stevie Wonder...in case my Bike is actually off having an affair out there somewhere. Replace any instance of "baby" or "you" in the songs with the word "Bike" for maximum affect. Oh wait, one more, On Bended Knee so bike will forgive me for my neglect. (Bike, I'm sorry for all that I've done, Bike, Come back to me...)


AND Hyperbole Aside, can I get some recommendations for a new bicycle if you have some? Smooth and high quality, great value? I am normally VERY careful with my bike, it's never unlocked outside for even a minute...but it was inside so I let 'er lose. Even when I'm loading goods into my car I usually roll my bike outside and lock it up, that's how cautious I am! But I was in a rush on Sunday morning. It only takes one moment of neglect for someone to roll out with your Precious, so never lose that vigilance. Watch your goods like Batman keeps his keen eyes on the streets of Gotham. That makes no sense. Just lock your stuff up good and tight!

If you're in my Riverside Jacksonville area and see my bike, please do call the number! I have my serial number and police case number and I'm ready to go Taken on someone if I can....without the murder.

Update: I was recently alerted to a Facebook Group called Find Stolen Bikes and joined. Great service!

*By the way, my roommate I laughed so hard writing this post! My throat hurts now.
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25 comments:

  1. Ok, you are hilarious! I hope you feel the wind in your hair again soooooon!

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  2. Oh crap! I know how pissed you must be. I grew up in Detroit, and every bike I ever had was stolen, so I just stopped having bikes until I was an adult. One time I was at a Salvation army,,,about 20 years ago, and I saw the exact bike (not mine, but the exact bike type) that was my first bike. It was called Cactus Flower. I got it when I was 6 years old and it was my first 2 wheel bike ever. It was stolen after a few months. Well, I bought it from the thrift shop and I played a prank on my mom. I put that bike by the front door of my moms house with a note that said "I'm sorry that I stole your bike so long ago, It has taken me all these years to find you and return this bike". My mom was flabbergasted, she totally fell for it. Maybe one day, someone will return your bike for real!

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    1. I'm lucky I got to keep my bike for three happy years before some bastard took it. I was VERY careful with this bike. It was rarely out of my sight and never left unlocked outside for even a moment without my huge impenetrable U-Lock. That gag is hilarious. I keep hoping someone will leave my bike with a note saying they're sorry at the front door, le sigh :P In the future my bike is getting locked up inside. And insured? haha

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  3. hi nana your crazy as ever love you kaylie and i hope you find the blankity blank blank that stole amazing bike wella told me to say the blank part

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    1. I guess I left blogger logged in at mom's house, haha :D Thanks.

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  4. hahahah I love people who are able to make a good joke even if they are pissed like hell. In Portugal we say something like "Hope is the last to die" so there's still a chance for your dear bike come back to you. The thief will get bad karma don't worry ;)

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    1. Yes indeed they will. Yeah even when we were talking to the police my roomie and I were cracking up laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

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  5. I live in Riverside also and feel your pain. I keep mine in the house as well. A friend of mine had his stolen from his back patio! Another had one stolen from his garage...So yeah, sweet bikes are a hot item. Sucks. Hopefully you can find it.

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    1. That they are. I'm pondering if this is a neighborhood person who saw me come and go on the bike, otherwise how would they know it's in here? The plot thickens!

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  6. Wow, that's scary. That someone actually went into your apartment to take it while you were around. Makes me wonder what would have happened it you had caught them in the act. I'm wishing really bad juju on the thief.

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  7. someone took your bike OUT OF YOUR HOUSE???? that is crazy! i hope the idiot gets caught!

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    1. Me too, Rae. My eyes are peeled!

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  8. That just plain sucks. Thieves should have their fingernails pulled out, slowly, one by one. Get a freaking job and quit the stealing!

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    1. Yeah, people who steal from people's HOUSES especially are the worse. It would be one thing If I ever left the bike unlocked out in the open but coming in and stealing is extra evil. I've got eyes around the neighborhood looking hopefully I can write a "bike recovered" happy story.... buuuut not likely.

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  9. I'd hate to lose my bike. We don't have as interesting a story as you and yours but I would really, really hate to lose it.

    Sorry for your loss.

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    1. Thanks Brenda. I was extra cautious with my bike and just didn't take the extra step to have it locked up inside my home. That won't happen again!

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  10. Noooooooo! Poor bike, being taken from her home like that. I bet the new guy isn't even being nice to her.

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    1. I bet he isn't, the bastard. And I took such good care of it :( Better than my car, ha! I'll drive around my area, I highly suspect it's someone in the area.

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  11. hi nana your going to find that bike my eyes are pelled to i miss you and love you i almost cryed actuly i cryed and eto did to love you sooooooo much hope you fond your bike and if it was mine i would cry to becaues thats like taking someones freedom from them and thats not cool at all love you soo much and i hope you can wright a good report that you found it love you nece kaylie

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  12. Someone walked into your house? That is terrifying. It sounds like maybe they had cased your place before, saw your bike and wanted it.

    Years ago I had an awesome old Schwinn with a basket and someone stole it off my porch. However, about a week later, my friend saw it on the porch of a house in a different neighborhood (it had stickers all over it, easily identifiable)---and he stole it back!! We never confronted the people, just figured that was message enough, ha ha!

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    1. I thought the same on the casing. I don't mention it much but I live above a corner store and people come and go and see me on the bike all the time. Danger zone! It's one reason why my rent is so cheap but my apartment is so huge and modern, not to best neighborhood.

      Looove that your bike got stolen back! I'm looking around on all the neighborhood porches and back yards.

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  13. What a thieving jerk. I'm so sorry this has happened. I'm glad have been able to put the negative feelings and energies into a cracking funny, yet weirdly practical post. I hope your bike is found.

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    1. Thanks Trudie! I wanted to write one with tips on insuring bikes and objects/renter's & home insurance/calling the cops/etc. but just cranked out the silly. Certainly appropriate for a future post. :D

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